Pages

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Raising kids to like themselves

We are raising children in an era defined by parents who no longer expect their children to be seen and not heard. On the contrary, many children are encouraged by their parents to expect the spotlight, perhaps even fight for it. These parents demand that their children be considered for every sports team, every play date, party or sleep over. They heap praise, rewards and privileges to such a ridiculous degree, that the gestures themselves lose all meaning. Sadly, many kids being raised today are sheltered, scheduled, scripted and managed.

If kids are raised to think they have the golden key, there is no motivation for personal development. Every child needs to discover who they want to be and take responsibility for their own evolution. It takes work to identify and develop personal strengths. It takes courage to give sports and activities a whirl, knowing that your performance may not measure up against your counterparts. It is painful to take the vulnerable journey required to make a new friend, with its inherent ups and downs, and devastating break-ups. And it is critical that kids recognize their own weaknesses and learn to live with them.

When she was alive, my mother would often say, "You can't expect everyone to like you." While this advice wasn't easy for me to hear, her words hardened as a foundation for me. And over the years experience has shown me, regardless of what I say or do, that only some people (some of the time) can be counted as admirers. With that said, people young and all must start out by liking themselves.

Life is hard, and kids should always have a sense of this. If not, life will be simply too hard for them.  An authentic self lives within each of us. Allowing kids to feel the full range of life's emotional spectrum is essential if we expect them to grow and embrace an evolved state of adulthood.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fidelity

A commitment I believe in.
Most of us have a hot button (or two). One of mine is having a commitment to fidelity. A breach of fidelity in a marriage need not involve a physical gesture. No, indeed, emotional infidelity can trump any touch. When I was a much younger person, my family life combusted. I witnessed a breakup so heart-wrenching, I realized for the first time how powerful the game of love can be, especially for the loser. In fact, we were all losers - my mother, my two brothers and their families, and poor little old unmarried me.

For my mother, surpassing thirty two years of marriage felt like reaching a bomb shelter at the edge of a field, some kind of safety check-point where she could finally breathe. But the heart is a tricky beast, and there was to be no rest for the weary. My mother experienced rejection at a time when she looked forward to retirement with her husband and buying a house on the Cape.

My father had other ideas. A woman that he had known when he was a teenager had looked him up, finding it difficult to pick up the pieces on her own as she exited her own failed marriage. My Dad was her ticket back to normalcy (and a provider to boot).

So there I was, only a few months from leaving for college, and my life felt like a snow globe, never knowing when the storm would pass and the night would be still. My nuclear family life was never the same, and I can say with full disclosure, never truly good again. An awful lot more went down in the months that followed the revelation of my Dad's infidelity. I'll leave that for another time. Through it all, my takeaway has never left me. I feel unwavering disdain for cheating behavior, and I don’t believe in excuses. I do believe, however, in the idea that some people move on from one another, and cease to make their relationship a priority. Please notice that I did not say that I believe that people fall out of love. I'm just not sure I believe in that. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Number 4: Remember other people's birthdays


BACKSTORY: Does anyone remember the small book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.?  Life's Little Instruction Book, as many of my peers may recall, was written by a father as a gift for his college-bound son. For anyone unfamiliar with the format of the book, it lists “511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life”.  I thought it would be fun to blog about the entries as they relate to my own experiences. 

Number 4: Remember other people's birthdays
Once upon a time, I was well intentioned.  I had been in the habit of transferring birthday dates from the outgoing calendar to the incoming. And whenever a birth announcement arrived in the mail, I added the date to my calendar. But over time, my system has broken down. My calendar is still marked with some birthdays, but only the ones I'm compelled to remember - husband, children, parents, siblings... If you pressed me, I'd admit that I'm wholly disappointed in myself for this breach of memory and record keeping. At this point, my brain is unreliable and I should set up something electronically.  Facebook works well if you check your page every day, but I don't.  An email reminder might be just the thing. 

Birthdays are important. As I've gotten older, I've had to slowly extricate myself from all of my former birthday expectations. With every birthday, gift volume is reduced to a trickle. Fanfare is typically mellow.  And realistically, adult birthdays can feel like an afterthought. As I get older, it remains important to me to recognize this celebration of my birth, but sometimes the fanfare is quieter. And these days, I don't need gifts, just a simple "Happy Birthday" from a friend and I feel a bit heady. I'd like it if I could reliably do this for others by always remembering their birthdays. There's room for improvement, most definitely. Maybe tomorrow I'll research www.mybirthdaytracker.com. And if tomorrow is your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Number 3: Watch a sunrise at least once a year.


BACKSTORY: Does anyone remember the small book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.?  Life's Little Instruction Book, as many of my peers may recall, was written by a father as a gift for his college-bound son. For anyone unfamiliar with the format of the book, it lists “511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life”.  I thought it would be fun to blog about the entries as they relate to my own experiences. 

Number 3: Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
I have only happened upon sunrises. This night owl has never been motivated enough to rise early for one. And since I have only witnessed them while en route to the airport or to the hospital (to delivery a baby), my sightings have always been overshadowed by other big events and have never forged stand-alone memories. A sunrise is beautiful to be sure, and life seems to bring us together without much effort.  I'm not sure people need to treat a sunrise like an event.  It happens every day after all.  But I'm glad to have a sense of them, and the stillness they inspire. It's comforting to know that the curtain so reliably opens on each new day, whether I've got a leading role or not. 

Number 2: Have a dog.


Does anyone remember the little book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.?  Life's Little Instruction Book, as many of my peers can probably recall, was written by a father as a gift for his college-bound son. We have two copies in our house. One was given to my husband by his mother, and the other was given to me by my mother. This actually makes sense since the once popular book was published in 1991, about the same time that we graduated from college. For anyone unfamiliar with the format of the book, it lists “511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life”. 

Of course I’ve read the book, at least once, but I thought it would be fun to blog about each entry and deconstruct them one by one through my own experiences. 

Number 2: Have a dog.
For starters, I have a dog. Her name is Ella and she ate a squirrel last week. Even still she is a constant source of joy for me (and for the rest of our family). I kiss her soft head more than I kiss anything else in this world. I feel honored to have her trust. I love to look at her beautiful face and I marvel at her agility and endurance. At night time, I look forward to sharing my bed with her, especially when it's cold. She asserts herself cozily in between me and my husband. Best of all, I believe that Ella loves me. I'm her human and that is a responsibility I don't take lightly. Having a dog gives my life depth because I'm not exclusively coming at the world as a person would. Life is somehow reduced to its most basic parts when I'm forced awake at 3AM because Ella ate something that disagreed with her. 

Life's Little Instruction Book Deconstructed


Does anyone remember the little book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.?  Life's Little Instruction Book, as many of my peers can probably recall, was written by a father as a gift for his college-bound son. We have two copies in our house. One was given to my husband by his mother, and the other was given to me by my mother. This actually makes sense since the once popular book was published in 1991, about the same time that we graduated from college. For anyone unfamiliar with the format of the book, it lists “511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life”. 

Of course I’ve read the book, at least once, but I thought it would be fun to blog about each entry and deconstruct them one by one through my own experiences. 

Number 1: Compliment three people every day.
This one almost isn't fair. I have three kids (and one husband) and if I don't throw a compliment to each of them at least once a day, I feel like an animal. Right? Aren't we programmed to compliment those we love. Complimenting loved ones nurtures alliances and rewards good behavior. On the other hand, I enjoy telling my son that he has beautiful fingers because there's clearly no manipulation going on.  Outside of that, I would say that I'm pretty free and easy with my compliments. I like reminding people of their talents and strengths. It's powerful giving to people in this way, and while it's absolutely free, it can yield greatness.